The StassiNet

On May. 14th, 2004, at 03:04 am, an angsty teenager wrote a short story named Kill Richard Simmons. It was hailed as a masterpiece but quickly buried underneath a mountain of emo LiveJournal entries.

On August 16th, 2008, at 6:00 am, critically acclaimed YouTube actor and legendary Internet sex symbol Dr. Andreas Stassivik shattered the foundations of the Greater Blogosphere with a startling announcement claiming authorship of this story, claiming to have written it "long ago, before [his] chalice was filled with e-fame--and most likely a Pepsi product."

The StassiNet website experienced up to a record-breaking 1700% traffic increase from emo kids. Moments after releasing the statement, however, Stassi withdrew from the angst-filled emo kid persona for "self-esteem reasons," hurting a few of their feelings. The others joined the trend by posting deeply profound poetry on Fall Out Boy YouTube video comments following a mascara-stained, tearful retreat.

[Enter the story of the Nameless Protagonist's mission to Kill Richard Simmons.]