The StassiNet

SEA warns Obama victory could jeopardize dystopian future
The Agency Guardian

It is perhaps uncommon knowledge that the Agency SEA, a meritocratic clandestine society notorious for elitism and controversial social parapsychology, was originally sent back in time from the year 2027 to save all sentient life from human-caused extinction. For over ten years the organization has protected the Internets and repeatedly thwarted the nefarious LSC, a biotechnetics corporation and weapons developer charged with numerous war crimes and bribing prominent United States politicians and military officials.

Despite claiming to have humanity's best interests in mind, SEA has consistently refused to endorse an American presidential candidate, claiming that their influence could change the course of history and create setbacks.

"We are still observing the potential effects of time travel, which has so far proved extremely complex," claims Cyrosanth, a sentient, talking red panda. "In terms which accommodate the layman, I can tell you we are testing paradoxical hypotheses relating to the colloquial grandfather paradox, or perhaps the Novikov self-consistency principle. Personally, I am in agreement with Hawking in my partiality to Hugh Everett's many-worlds interpretation and fear altering the timeline any further could isolate the Agency in a unique timeline which will never create them, or perhaps their contemporaries." During this explanation the red panda scribbled elaborate equations on a whiteboard, all of which will not be displayed in this article.

"I'm going to miss the wasteland."

"Citizens are more likely to start a revolution or initiate significant lifestyle changes after enduring great durations of oppression and hate," said SEA Agent Septenner. "Without these hardships it is more unlikely the great minds of SEA will ever come together by the year 2027. There just won't be serious enough problems to dedicate our lives to combating." Agent Septenner, a bartender, requested anonymity but was denied on account of losing a bet.

"If people eliminate the conditions impeding their rights and lifestyles, specifically free speech and representation, they could live meaningless, incident-free lives," stressed Avalia, an Agency assassin. "I'm mostly concerned about bumping up the lower class and regulating megacorporations like LSC. Without them we'd have a shortage of under-trained lackeys and high-profile kingpins to assassinate." Following the interview Avalia expressed interest in potential job openings.

"I'm not so sure we're being unfairly represented yet," retorted Agent Jacobsen. "This is 2008 and the Internet is still mostly free of censorship. People are able to vent their frustrations with the corrupt and wasteful institutions of education, finances, and politics and find like minds with ease thanks to social networking. If there's anything we should be afraid of, it's that LSC or another great threat will emerge in another way we are less able to predict and counteract."

Former presidential candidate Al Gore, longtime friend and business partner to Stassi and leader of the Internets, also commented on the Agency's concerns. "Like I said at West Palm Beach earlier this week, the choice is between change and more of the same. I know Stassi's Agency wants to engage in American politics but you just can't do that without a dependable financial base. It's certainly a nice thought but current circumstances just won't allow it. I'd be sad to see Stassi and his friends get sucked into a time vortex or whatnot, but I still stand by my decision to endorse Senator Barack Obama." Al Gore has been taunting Stassi to join the well-funded Democratic Party for years, and has even gone as far as chicken dancing after a long night of Halo 3.

Some sources believe that Stassi has been unknowingly biased in supporting Al Gore's party due to their long-standing friendship, and has been subversively supporting Democratic ideals under his public Facebook alias. In Stassi's own defense he has claimed that he has "merely highlighting the blatant ignorance of his Republican opponents" in an attempt to promote Agency politics, perhaps without realizing the implications of doing so.

"The fool, Stassi, is far too reckless with altering history," hissed LSC spokesperson Marius Gollenson. "SEA isn't the only group he has endangered by running his mouth. LSC could cease to exist at any moment. Not to flatter that ingrate. I mean seriously, I doubt he has any actual influence so I take that back. Don't quote me on that." The Corporation thereafter removed claims of liability to the aforementioned statements.

Another time-traveling agent theorizes a different cause of the sudden timeline split. "It is possible that Richard Nixon was somehow responsible for adding Sarah Palin to the McCain ticket. That's something I don't remember reading about on Wikipedia back in the 2020's but I could have just overlooked it for being insignificant. She could be someone he met in his many misadventures throughout history."

Former US president Richard Nixon is known to be the world's first time traveler who wielded this potent technology for his own personal and political gain at the expense of history. Some of Nixon's known meddling is attributed to the foundation of Scientology, the accidental shooting of "Stonewall" Jackson, the near-extinction of the red panda Ailurus fulgens, and less notably the Watergate scandal.

"I'm going to miss the wasteland," reminisced another agent. "I mean, I don't want to give away any spoilers here. But there's nothing quite as thought-provoking as gazing into a dusty breeze over the irradiated ruins of western civilization. Especially at dusk. I guess I'll just hold on to my copy of Fallout 3 long enough to wean myself off it."

SEA extends its congratulations to President Barack Obama,
the 44th president of the United States of America!