The StassiNet

On May. 14th, 2004, at 03:04 am, an angsty teenager wrote a short story named Kill Richard Simmons. It was hailed as a masterpiece but quickly buried underneath a mountain of emo LiveJournal entries.

On August 16th, 2008, at 6:00 am, critically acclaimed YouTube actor and legendary Internet sex symbol Dr. Andreas Stassivik shattered the foundations of the Greater Blogosphere with a startling announcement claiming authorship of this story, claiming to have written it "long ago, before [his] chalice was filled with e-fame--and most likely a Pepsi product."

The StassiNet website experienced up to a record-breaking 1700% traffic increase from emo kids. Moments after releasing the statement, however, Stassi withdrew from the angst-filled emo kid persona for "self-esteem reasons," hurting a few of their feelings. The others joined the trend by posting deeply profound poetry on Fall Out Boy YouTube video comments following a mascara-stained, tearful retreat.

[Enter the story of the Nameless Protagonist's mission to Kill Richard Simmons.]

After our ship went down, what few had survived washed up onto the shore. On one side of us was the coast. On the other were only dunes and rock formations as far as the eye could see. The sun shined mercilessly. When the waves brought us no more survivors, we started to move. It was only a matter of time before we died of thirst. To the north we would surely find our homeland, but how far? Like a mirage in the distance, I saw the shimmering of light reflecting from the south. My instincts told me that is where we must go, even though it was most likely a town belonging to our enemies. Though there was not a one of us in the group who sided with our government, there was no telling how we would be received. So we went south, our thirst overcoming our fear of uncertainty.

[Continue reading...]

My Late Beloved

And so I am here, with a new board and having to part ways with my old and first board, since I came back to skateboarding. It is saddening to me to say goodbye to "her". Yes, my skateboard was a girl and at this point in my life is the only girl I will be riding anytime soon... I think and I just broke her back. Becky, the girl skateboard, was a modest girl with a solid foundation and a spunky side to her. She treated me right from the first time I saw her.
[Continue the reckoning here...]

Audio transmission log from UNSC Lieutenant Stassi
Stream recorded 05/26/2553
New Mombassa Station

Last weekend was the Living Dead playlist on Halo 3. Thanks to an ill-fated match on High Ground I now know the true meaning of "Survival Horror." Allow me to tell the "legendary" tale of the late UNSC Lieutenant Stassi.

Thank you Ophichius for recommending the use of deer slugs on zombies.
[Begin the "legendary" tale of Survival Horror...]